Harry Potter and the Coffin of Happiness
by Katerina Lupin
Summary: Do you enjoy abnormal, amusing stories, ones with twisted characters and tainted plots? Then continue on, for what you are about to read is a fanfic writers worst nightmare, containing: Mary Sues, the Top 10 Plot Twists, Lots of Slash, Games Show Paraodys
1. The Boring Stuff

Harry Potter and the Coffin of Happiness  
  
By Katerina Lupin  
  
Do you enjoy abnormal, amusing stories, ones with twisted characters and tainted plots? Then continue on, for what you are about to read is nothing close to the ordinary, in fact; it's a fanfic writers worst nightmare, containing:  
  
Mary Sues by the Dozen  
  
The 10 Ten Hated Plot Twists  
  
The Death of Your Favorite, and Least Favorite, Characters  
  
Slash in Every Which Way  
  
Game Show Parody's  
  
And  
  
Purple Dinosaurs!!  
  
So beware, reading may damage the mind severely or cause one to roll on the floor laughing…. either way, it should be very interesting….  
  
(Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter nor am I JK Rowling. I don't work at Scholastic and I loathe WB. Get the point?) 


	2. Chapter 1: Mary Sue's Plan

Chapter 1: Mary-Sue's Plan  
  
(Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, sniffle sniffle, tear tear. Cry me a river, build a bridge and get over it.)  
  
*On the Hogwarts Express, Harry's 6th Year*  
  
Harry: 'ello Ron...  
  
Ron: 'ello Harry. How was your summer?  
  
Harry: It was fine...  
  
*A tall, girl with a figure that looks a model walks in. She has huge, honey-brown, puppy-dog eyes and wavy, soft, brown hair. Both boy's mouths drop open.*  
  
Girl: Hi. I'm Marisolliasin-Suella, but you can call me Mary-Sue...  
  
Ron: Ooooohhhh....  
  
Harry: Ahhhhhh...  
  
Mary-Sue: I just moved here from a tiny country where I was a princess. I am half fairy and half witch. I didn't even know I was a witch till 5 seconds ago when I got a Hogwarts letter, isn't that tragic????  
  
Ron and Harry: Yeah....tragic....  
  
Mary-Sue: *Points to Harry* Using my God-given , special abilities I have from being Mary-Sue; I know your Harry Potter!  
  
Harry: Yeah..I'm Harry...Hi  
  
Mary-Sue: And you're Ron!  
  
Ron: Wow...you know my name!  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Voldemort: Bring me the telephone, Ratboy-I mean Peter.  
  
Peter: Sir, yes sir! *Brings Voldemort the phone*  
  
Voldemort: *dials buttons* Hello, May I ask who this is?  
  
Uncle Vernon: I DON'T WANT SATTALITE TV, A NEW CAR OR DIET PILLS!!!  
  
Voldemort: Oh, hello Mr. I-Don't-Want-Sattalite-TV-A-New-Car-Or-Diet-Pills, can I speak to Harry Potter?  
  
Uncle Vernon: LEAVE ME ALONE YOU BLOODY FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Voldemort: Oh, Goodbye and sorry, sir. *hangs up phone*  
  
Peter: *jumps up and down* Did it work? Did it work?  
  
Voldemort: Wrong number, I got some odd guy with a name longer than the mary-sue-est Mary-Sue  
  
Peter: Have you tried e-mail yet?  
  
Voldemort: Good one, my lil' servent!  
  
-Back On the Hogwarts Express-  
  
Mary-Sue: *talks in a seductive, sweet voice* So Harry, do you have a girlfriend?  
  
Ron: *cuts in* In matter of fact, yes he does...I'm the bach-  
  
Harry: *cuts in* and Ron does too. Unfortunently, my girlfriend and I just broke up.  
  
Ron: Amazing, same here!  
  
Mary-Sue: In that case, I'll date you both!  
  
Ron and Harry: Yippee! *Starts singing "Happy, Happy, Joy, Joy" from Ren and Stimpy*  
  
Mary-Sue: Theres only one problem...  
  
Harry: What is it?  
  
Mary-Sue: Your...  
  
Ron: We'll change it!  
  
Mary-Sue: Well, if you want to change your style...Fashionustia! *Waves her wand, although she just learned she is a witch she is an expert at every spell. Suddenly, the boys are wearing vibrently colored Pimp suits complete with gold teeth and hats with feathers.* Thats better!  
  
Harry: Yo' fizzle dawg!  
  
Ron: Bling-bling!  
  
Mary-Sue: *Takes out a check list and puts down two check marks* Two down, 267 to go... 


	3. Chapter 2: The DaDa Teacher

Chapter 2: The Da-Da Teacher  
  
(Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter I wouldn't be writing this, I'd be diving into a swimming pool chalk-filled with cash! Unfortunently, I don't have a cash pool nor do I know anybody with one.)  
  
*The Hogwart's Express has just arrived at Hogwarts. Harry, Ron and Mary-Sue are suddenly joined by Hermione who popped out of no where. As they approch the school, Harry and Ron see more and more guys dressed as pimps.*  
  
Harry: YO FIZZLE! It's Hermione.  
  
Ron: Waz' up, dawg. Fizzle my nizzle!  
  
Hermione: Excuse me?  
  
Harry: He said waz' up!  
  
Hermione: What-on-Earth...  
  
Mary-Sue: Oh its all right Hermione, I, Mary-Sue, gave these preps a new, refreshing look. Watcha' think?  
  
Hermione: YOU ARE A BLOODY FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Mary-Sue: *Sweetly* Excuse me?  
  
Hermione: *Says through lock-jaw shut teeth* A bloody freak, it means you're a deranged fool with no manners and bad breath!  
  
Mary-Sue: *whispers and is scared* Me...Bad Breath.....No! *Pops an altoid into her mouth*  
  
Hermione: Whatever...  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Voldemort: *Is typing at a computer* What do you reckon his email is?  
  
Peter: HarryPotter@aol.com?  
  
Voldemort: Works for me...now how do you work this thing? *Moves mouse around*  
  
-Back at Hogwarts-  
  
*Harry, Ron, Mary-Sue and Hermione enter the great hall where they find Dumbledore is gone.*  
  
Harry: Where is Dumbledore?  
  
Ron: Hmm...I dunno!  
  
Hermione: Oh, he die- I mean got fried! Hehehe  
  
*The three of them walk to the Gryffindor table, followed by Mary-Sue*  
  
Hermione: Why are you following us, you need to be sorted!  
  
Mary-Sue: No I don't, I was told I can pick any house I want! :D  
  
Hermione: Whatever...  
  
*The four of them sit down as McGonnagol sits down in the Headmaster's chair*  
  
McGonnagol: I'm sorry to inform you of this, but Dumbledore has been murdered. I am now Headmisstress! Dumbledore's funeral will be held tommorow when we bury him in the coffin of happiness.  
  
All: Ooooooh, aaaaaaaah...coffin of happiness.  
  
McGonnagol: Also, we have a brand new Defence Againts the Dark Arts teacher, Barney the dinosaur!  
  
*Cricket chirps are heard*  
  
Barney: Hi kids! I'm Barney, your Da-Da teacher. See, Defence Againts the Dark Arts has the initials D, A, D and A! Da-Da! I betyou all like singing. *Breaks into song* I LOVE YOOOOOUU, YOOOU LOV-  
  
*McGonnagol cuts in*  
  
McGonnagol: Whatever you freak, thats enough! Now eat you idiotic children!  
  
*MGonnagol walks away.*  
  
McGonnagol: Thank god that son of a ----- died, I'm headisstress now! *starts to sing* Go Miverna its ya' birthday, we gonna party like its ya' birthday. 


	4. Chapter 3: Karaoke Nights

Chapter 3: Karaoke Nights  
  
(Disclaimer: I am a poor beggar who owns nothing, that includes Harry Potter, The All-American Rejects and Barney. The only thing I have every owned is the words to the stupid parody songs in this chapter. If you would like to donate cash to me, please contact the fan-fic writers divison of 1-800-Save-An-Orc.)  
  
*Harry, Ron and Hermione are walking back to the dormitory after dinner. They are trailed by Mary-Sue.*  
  
Harry: Look at that! *Points to bullitin board*  
  
All: OOOOOOOOOOOH!  
  
Hermione: *Runs up to board and reads contents out loud* Filch says 1st-year burnings are banned...The flames kept burning the wood floor. He says we can keep up the hangings though...Hmm, there's a Hogsmade day next month and...OOOOH! *Hermione's eyes get really big and she starts jumping up and down* THERES GOING TO BE A KARAOKE CONTEST!!!!  
  
Mary-Sue: Lyke wow!!!!!111 Kewliezz!  
  
Ron: Will you shut up, you tweenie!  
  
Mary-Sue: But I thought you were my boooyyyy-fffrrriieeend!  
  
Ron: Oh yeah! *Starts snogging Mary-Sue*  
  
Harry: Hey, she's my girl! *Starts beating up Ron*  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Voldemort: *Saying each word as he types it* Dear Harry,  
  
It may come as a suprise to you, but I love you, you sexy hunk! Now visit my porny, web-cam of doom!  
  
Your Friend Voldemort  
  
Peter: Don't you think you're being a little too staright-forward?  
  
Voldemort: SHUT-UP OR YOU'LL END UP LIKE HIM! *Points to a blood splattered wall where the Minister of Magic is hanging with daggers thrust through his ody*  
  
Peter: Yes, sir!  
  
-The Next Day, On the School Grounds-   
  
Barney: *Stanging on a stage, in a black tux near a bright blue coffin covered in smiley faces. All the students are gathered around.* We are gathered here today for the death of Sir Dumbleydore Bumblebee. Blah, blah, blah. Ya'll get the point, now lets party!  
  
* The grim setting is suddenly turned into a giant party. The crowd of students start ripping off thier black, dress robes to reveal more of Mary-Sue's pimp suits and slutty dresses. Streamers, ballons and confetti start falling from the sky and the Barney throws Dumbledore's corpse into the crowd, the students passing it along as though Dumbledore stage-dived. Professor Sprout is giving Snape a lap dance and Trelawney is dancing the macarana. The house-elves start throwing fire-whisky bottles into the crowd as the Ghosts and Peeves start playing rock music.*  
  
McGonnagol: Now, time for Karaoke!!!!!!! Our first contestant is Harry Potter!  
  
Crowd: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! GO HARRY!  
  
Harry: *Walks onto stage* Today, I'll be singing a paraody of the All-American Reject's song, "Swing,Swing". Its called, "My Scar Is Hurting". *Breaks into song and suddenly sounds like Tyson Ritter from the All-American Rejects.*  
  
Dumbledore comes and gos,  
  
I need to talk to him.  
  
He's at the ministry  
  
Saving my fate, that's grim.  
  
Sirius is gone,  
  
I can only talk to Ron,  
  
And I am left with no real family.  
  
Do you think Ron will find,  
  
How to use the phone?  
  
I used to think that I could live,  
  
At Sirius' home.  
  
My scar is hurting...  
  
The DA is doing well,  
  
My life used to be going swell,  
  
Can you help me, find a way to bring Sirius back to life.  
  
Wands thrown into the sky,  
  
Expelliramus.  
  
Learing new spells all day,  
  
While I'm mad at Seamus.  
  
Errol's getting old,  
  
He smells like mold,  
  
And so does Moaning Myrtles toilet.  
  
Do you think Ron will find,  
  
How to use the phone?  
  
I used to think that I could live,  
  
At Sirius' home.  
  
My scar is hurting...  
  
The DA is doing well,  
  
My life used to be going swell,  
  
Can you help me, find a way to bring Sirius back to life.  
  
Harry P...(The main character of the books)  
  
Faeries...(Fly away, away, away)  
  
The DA is doing well,  
  
My life used to be going swell,  
  
Can you help me, find a way to bring Sirius back to life.  
  
My scar is hurting...  
  
The DA is doing well,  
  
My life used to be going swell,  
  
Can you help me, find a way to bring Sirius back to life.  
  
*The song finishes with a guitar solo from Peeves. Harry waves to the crowd and exits the stage as everybody cheers, except for the many fangorls who have fainted.*  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Computer: You've Got Mail!  
  
Voldemort: Yes! He replied! *Opens email and reads it out loud* Dear "Voldemort". Leave me alone, you freak! I don't know any Vcoldemorts! I'm calling the police! *Closes email and turns on Wormtail* THAT WASN'T HIS EMAIL ADDRESS!!!!!! *Thrusts a dagger into Wormtails arm* 


	5. Chapter 4: The Plot Thickens

Chapter 4: The Plot Thickens  
  
(Disclaimer: By now you should get that I don't own Harry Potter. If your thicke mind hasn't grasped this concept yet, I suggest you visit your nearest pre-school, ASAP!)  
  
*Harry and Ron are sitting in the Common Room. Ron seems slightly drunk, he had 4 bottles of fire-whisky.*  
  
Harry: *Talks in a drab voice* Hmmm...  
  
Ron: *Also talks in a drab voice* What?  
  
Harry: *Still drab-sounding* I was just thinking about how Dumblebee died...I mean, McGonagoll said he was murdered, but she never said who. Maybe I should, as usually, act like the nosy hero I am and find out.  
  
Ron: *Acting extremly drab* Is this where the story starts to have a plot?  
  
Harry: *Annoyingly drab* I think so...  
  
-Meanwhile-  
  
Voldemort: Hmmm....I've tried email AND the phone but Harry never seems to be there...*Looks over at Wormtail who is wearing a WWJD bracelet.* Thats it!  
  
Wormtail: What....  
  
Voldemort! Your bracelet...  
  
Wormtail: What about it...  
  
Voldemort: Leave me alone rat-poop, I need to think. *Runs into a room and slams the door. The room is grossly covered by Sesame Street, Care Bear and Harry Potter posters and other various merchandise.* Hmmm....WWJD...What would Jackson do......It could only mean one thing! I need to consult Micheal Jackson!!!!!!!!!! *Grabs the phone and dials a few numbers*  
  
-Back at Hogwarts-  
  
Harry: Ok mate, here's how we'll find out how Dumbledore was killed.  
  
Ron: Hey, Harry...  
  
Harry: Yes, mate?  
  
Ron: Could you stop calling me mate....It sounds like something from the Discovery Channel...  
  
Harry: Sure...um...buddy...  
  
Ron: Now I sound like a dog....  
  
Harry: *Very mad, but patient* Ok, Best Bud! Is that better?  
  
Ron: *Disgusted* Ugggh! Now I sound like an exceptional can of beer!  
  
Harry: How about "Special Friend"?  
  
Ron: *Straight-foward* Harry, that sounds slashy...  
  
Harry: *Looks faint* EEH! I'll just call you chum...  
  
Ron: *Whiny* But thats like the Chum-Bucket from Spongebob!   
  
Harry: *Screaming* FINE I'LL JUST CALL YOU RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Ron: *Shrugs* Works for me... 


End file.
